I want to help end the stigmas around mental health. I want to show that even “strong” people suffer. Those we perceive as powerful and fierce, are susceptible to down times and feelings of depression and anxiety.
I’ve only shared a snippets of my story, only glimpses of the pain. I’ll share more in time, as vulnerability is essential for healing. I have powered through and endured, but I still have times where that strength, that resilience… it abandons me.
I’m lost in those trenches again. There is no single even or thing that “sets off” seasons of depression and anxiety for me. Often times I have these seasons when it appears outwardly that my life and it’s direction, are at their best. I can’t predict when my mental state will go grey, it just comes. I do know when I’m in a sad season though, and I’m fortunate enough to be one of those that aren’t so deep that I can’t maintain my life. That certainly doesn’t mean that every day isn’t a battle, or that I’m less deserving of help than another. My battle and someone else’s, though they may be different, are both burdensome.
I am trying to pull myself out of the grey, and into the light. No one can save me, I have to chart these waters alone, as I have done so many times in the past. I’m ok with being not ok though, because without the bad we could never appreciate the good.
For this moment, I’ll live with dirty mirrors, undone housework and in my oldest t-shirt… because I know soon, I’ll be able so clean away the sad grey and make room for happy light.