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When I was young, I couldn’t wait to have babies.  But in my daydreams, it was me, but it wasn’t, ya know? Let’s start at the beginning, so that sentence will make more sense.  

*Deep Breaths*

Time to dig into the past, and let the world in.  

I am adopted, but I wasn’t a squishy baby when I was placed, I was almost 3, a toddler, already deep in my formative years.   I don’t remember much of those days before, some hazy memories of family friends who had a pet raccoon or watching Poltergeist and being deathly afraid.  Nothing concrete, no faces and no real strong connections.  I don’t feel like I’m missing pieces though, without those memories, maybe because I really don’t know the difference.  

I was in the foster system, for a short time comparatively, before my foster family officially adopted me.  I had my birth certificate redone and was given a new last name.  

So, in the span of my first 5 years, I had been born, lost my biological father, was bumped around with several siblings and young, completely unfit mother, landed in the system, and was now a new kid reborn, so to speak.  That right there, is A LOT.  But onward we move.  

After that, I lived, what I can only speculate, is a normal childhood/adolescence.  Aside from a very difficult time attaching to, or feeling connected to people, I was a pretty normal kid.   

But that difficulty with attachment, well, that will plague me, for YEARS.  It will do a lot of damage, to myself and those around me.  It’s incredibly hard to form a strong bond with a person like I was.  I loved, but I didn’t know how to connect, to feel bonded and to be completely open.  Maybe that stems from not having strong parental bonds as a young child, who knows, I didn’t get a psych degree so I’ll leave that to the experts (who would probably have a field day with me!) 

Despite being relatively detached from most of my family, they knew I loved them but I always  felt off, I couldn’t wait to have kids of my own.  I longed for the blood bond I never had.   Seems silly when I type it out, but not having that connection, and being old enough to have had a life before adoption made creating that bond for me, paramount.  I couldn’t wait, but I never thought I would.  

And one day, in my 25th year… I did.  And it was the most connected I’ve felt to anyone in my whole life.  I had someone who was a literal part of me, and I was part of them.  I’ll never be able to explain the extraordinary way the wounds healed when she was born.  It’s more than I could describe on here, there are no words to do it justice.   So I’ll stop writing them, trusting that you understand my vagueness.   

*Another deep breath* 

One thought on “Connections.”

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