Little Me

Gonna hit you with a sentimental Saturday post.

I saw a baby picture of myself for the first time at 37 years old. This was that picture.

The story is long and somewhat sad, but after years of transient life, my bio mom put me in the foster system, and I was eventually adopted at almost 5 years old.

I had tried for years to contact my birth mother so I could just see pictures of myself. I wanted so badly to connect myself to a baby Jen, but it felt like I was born a 4 year old.

Years of dead ends, road blocks, and cold shoulders stopped me from pushing on, finding where I fit.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted so badly to have something to look at, too get a glimpse of what she may look like.

It was difficult living in one life, never truly feeling like you belonged, but not a part of your “true” life, because you were adopted out. It been very tough for me to form solid bonds as a result, I have just never felt connected.

It’s been a long road, trying to overcome those feelings of not belonging anywhere.

I don’t hold bad feeling, anger or resentment. I would love answers and insight, but I know I’ll never get those, so I’ve moved on.

But when I got these pictures from a biological family member in 2018, I sobbed for what felt like hours. That’s me, little me. I did exist as a baby. And damn, I was cute!

Dear Body,

I will not be sad about the way that you look, the scars that you bear or the marks you’ve grown. ⁣

I will not be sad that you don’t look like her, or them or that. ⁣

I will not put pressure on you to perform in in a way that feels forced, foreign or painful. ⁣

I will not expect the impossible, the unattainable the out of reach- because it doesn’t exist. ⁣

I will be sad for how I’ve mistreated you, for the actions and inactions that have weakend your health or made you feel less than. ⁣

I will do better, and make the wrongs into rights by listening to your pleas, by giving back, by nurturing you.⁣

I will compare you not to the bodies of others, not to the impossible standards, to the photoshopped and face tuned perfection that isn’t real. ⁣

I will heal you with love, fuel, care and most of all understanding and grace and time. ⁣

Lots of time. Because that’s all we have, you and I. Time together. Time to be complete and completely in love. ⁣

Words from a post I made on Instagram in January 2020, I still feel this way.

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