It’s ok if you don’t.

When the body acceptance and self love movement really started to gain traction and became more talked about on social media, I fell deeply in love with the messages.

I wanted so badly to look at my body and love it, to feel what the people spreading the messages felt, to know absolute peace within myself.

When that didn’t happen for me, despite wanting it so badly to the point of forcing it, I felt like a failure.

Once again, I couldn’t live up to this new expectation.

I had failed at getting and staying thin, and now I was failing at loving my body at it’s current state.

I had gone from being envious of those in smaller bodies, to being envious of those that could just happily exist in theirs.

Boy, was I going about it wrong… so, SO wrong.

First, I let comparison be the motivator.

Second, I thought the way to freedom and self love was by learning to love my body unconditionally, every single day, all it’s scars and flaws, it’s rolls.

I’ve learned now, that no one is at the peak of this journey. No one lives life completely free of self hate and bad body image days.

I’ve also learned that I’m not going to love my body every single day. I’m not always going to run my fingers over my stretch marks and smile knowing they’re there because of my babies, or because I lived for the moment and not the pant size. That’s just not reality.

I now appreciate my body, for its life, it’s breath, it’s heart full of love… every single day.

I’ve let go of the idea that if I don’t love the way my body is right now, I’ve failed, because appreciating it always is better than faking love when I just don’t feel it.

Tired

I remember the tired that comes after childbirth, the deep fatigue and exhaustion. It’s an emotional and physical tired that no amount of sleep can cure.

There is a lot of talk about that tired. Maybe it’s the feeds I follow or how I take in social media. I love the open discussions about hard that stage is. Because it’s brutal.

I want to talk more about the tired that comes when your kids are older. It’s a completely different animal.

“I have a teenager” tired is constantly bracing for the next argument, always worrying that you haven’t prepared them for life enough, walking the thin line between protective and overprotective.

Constantly wondering if they are making smart choices when you aren’t around.

Staying up late to greet them when they come home from nights out.

It’s an emotional and physical tired that no amount of sleep can cure.

Then comes “my kid isn’t under my wing, are they ok?” Tired.

Basically parenting is exhaustion woven into moments of pure joy, love and beauty.

Damn, I’ve been tired for 15 years, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

True happiness?

I know the first and quick answer is yes, of course.

If you stop and think about all the things that create true happiness the ideal body isn’t one of them.

At least it’s not on my list, not anymore.

⭐️ A happy and healthy family.

⭐️ A life spent dreaming big and reaching goals.

⭐️ Laughing until my sides ache.

⭐️ Pizza with light sauce, and just the right amount of cheese and crust.

⭐️ Going to bed at the end of the day knowing I made someone feel good about themselves.

So while the quick and surface answer is yes, the deep and thought through answer is a resounding no.

Also, what would I be missing out on trying to maintain that “perfect” body? The perfect pizza with my happy family? Hours spent in the gym instead of making others feel seen and showing up how I am?

I’ve tried that, it sucks. No, no thank you. I’ll take the body and mental state that show health and peace, and pizza.

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