I like tacos, ice cream, pizza. I also like salad, fruits, just about all veggies. I like balance. No number on a scale can determine what you can or can’t enjoy.
I spent a lot of years hiding what I ate, knowing that people would see me and my body and assume my eating habits and health based on that.
I didn’t feel like I could get pizza with the team after soccer practice in high school, ice cream with my friends on the weekends, popcorn and snacks at the movies.
So I didn’t. I went home and binged in solitude because I didn’t feel I could indulge in public without judgement.
I think back to laughing with thin bodied friends about how they could devour $60 of Chinese food, it was cute.
I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. I rationed out a quarter of my meal and pretended I was full so I didn’t draw attention to my “fat friend” status. I thought I could blend in more if I shunned food, despite wanting it.
All that kindling piled on an already burning fire of food and body shame.
Not eating what or how much I wanted in those moments didn’t make my body more acceptable, actually it’s quite the opposite. Hiding food and eating beyond fullness when no one was around was a way to literally abuse myself for being heavier. Heavier, due to many reasons beyond what or how much I ate.
Learning to feel free around food, and to love my body for its function in every stage of its form has helped heal those scars from years of abuse.
Participating in those formerly missed moments and enjoying food openly left my alone time open for growth and reflection, and sometimes a treat ( because I’m a mom, and I still have to hide those so I don’t have to share ☺️)