When I was young, I couldn’t wait to have babies. But in my daydreams, it was me, but it wasn’t, ya know? Let’s start at the beginning, so that sentence will make more sense.
*Deep Breaths*
Time to dig into the past, and let the world in.
I am adopted, but I wasn’t a squishy baby when I was placed, I was almost 3, a toddler, already deep in my formative years. I don’t remember much of those days before, some hazy memories of family friends who had a pet raccoon or watching Poltergeist and being deathly afraid. Nothing concrete, no faces and no real strong connections. I don’t feel like I’m missing pieces though, without those memories, maybe because I really don’t know the difference.
I was in the foster system, for a short time comparatively, before my foster family officially adopted me. I had my birth certificate redone and was given a new last name.
So, in the span of my first 5 years, I had been born, lost my biological father, was bumped around with several siblings and young, completely unfit mother, landed in the system, and was now a new kid reborn, so to speak. That right there, is A LOT. But onward we move.
After that, I lived, what I can only speculate, is a normal childhood/adolescence. Aside from a very difficult time attaching to, or feeling connected to people, I was a pretty normal kid.
But that difficulty with attachment, well, that will plague me, for YEARS. It will do a lot of damage, to myself and those around me. It’s incredibly hard to form a strong bond with a person like I was. I loved, but I didn’t know how to connect, to feel bonded and to be completely open. Maybe that stems from not having strong parental bonds as a young child, who knows, I didn’t get a psych degree so I’ll leave that to the experts (who would probably have a field day with me!)
Despite being relatively detached from most of my family, they knew I loved them but I always felt off, I couldn’t wait to have kids of my own. I longed for the blood bond I never had. Seems silly when I type it out, but not having that connection, and being old enough to have had a life before adoption made creating that bond for me, paramount. I couldn’t wait, but I never thought I would.
And one day, in my 25th year… I did. And it was the most connected I’ve felt to anyone in my whole life. I had someone who was a literal part of me, and I was part of them. I’ll never be able to explain the extraordinary way the wounds healed when she was born. It’s more than I could describe on here, there are no words to do it justice. So I’ll stop writing them, trusting that you understand my vagueness.
*Another deep breath*



