When I was young, I couldn’t wait to have babies. But in my daydreams, it was me, but it wasn’t, ya know? Let’s start at the beginning, so that sentence will make more sense.
Time to dig into the past, and let the world in.
I am adopted, but I wasn’t a squishy baby when I was placed, I was almost 3, a toddler, already deep in my formative years. I don’t remember much of those days before, some hazy memories of family friends who had a pet raccoon or watching Poltergeist and being deathly afraid. Nothing concrete, no faces and no real strong connections. I don’t feel like I’m missing pieces though, without those memories, maybe because I really don’t know the difference.
I was in the foster system, for a short time comparatively, before my foster family officially adopted me. I had my birth certificate redone and was given a new last name.
So, in the span of my first 5 years, I had been born, lost my biological father, was bumped around with several siblings and young, completely unfit mother, landed in the system, and was now a new kid reborn, so to speak. That right there, is A LOT. But onward we move.
After that, I lived, what I can only speculate, is a normal childhood/adolescence. Aside from a very difficult time attaching to, or feeling connected to people, I was a pretty normal kid.
But that difficulty with attachment, well, that will plague me, for YEARS. It will do a lot of damage, to myself and those around me. It’s incredibly hard to form a strong bond with a person like I was. I loved, but I didn’t know how to connect, to feel bonded and to be completely open. Maybe that stems from not having strong parental bonds as a young child, who knows, I didn’t get a psych degree so I’ll leave that to the experts (who would probably have a field day with me!)
Despite being relatively detached from most of my family, they knew I loved them but I always felt off, I couldn’t wait to have kids of my own. I longed for the blood bond I never had. Seems silly when I type it out, but not having that connection, and being old enough to have had a life before adoption made creating that bond for me, paramount. I couldn’t wait, but I never thought I would.
And one day, in my 25th year… I did. And it was the most connected I’ve felt to anyone in my whole life. I had someone who was a literal part of me, and I was part of them. I’ll never be able to explain the extraordinary way the wounds healed when she was born. It’s more than I could describe on here, there are no words to do it justice. So I’ll stop writing them, trusting that you understand my vagueness.
*Another deep breath*